The Great Beatdown(The Way I Am)
by Alan Smithee
Summary: After that craptacular one my detractors unearthed, maybe all of you should consider this one, an answer to the crap of "NAiCP", my first "official" FFVIII fic.


Fan Fiction: "The Great Beat Down."  
By Thomas Greene.  
  
Some of the characters/situations/other stuff may be the copyright of SquareSoft. This isn't as needed as a warning, but the writer doesn't want to get sued by The Man.   
In the event you have any criticism on this work, send it to ReLect0@aol.com. If you feel the need to flame this work, I got two words for you, SUCK IT!   
Anything else? Oh, yeah. Don't do drugs. Unless it's for a good reason. Ah, screw that, Smoke crack and worship Satan.  
  
Squall had to get his team together. An urgent mission had come up, and he needed to get himself on the up-and-up again. He called his usual cronies together.  
"Greetings, friends," he said. "We have an urgent mission. This doesn't come from any people per se, but I urge you to help me with this."  
"What is this mission?" Irvine asked.  
"A few days back, this one dude REALLY besmirched our good names. We must teach him a lesson."  
"Where are we heading? Galbadia? Balamb? The Island of the Wild Pantsless Amazons?" Quistis asked.  
"Actually, we're heading to a land where we will have no advance knowledge. Somewhere no one would know us, but one guy apparently had some beef against us. I hear it's somewhere in the suburbs of Rhode Island." Squall replied.  
"Well, what's the team going to be?" Zell asked.  
"It's going to be the ones who this guy besmirched. Me, Rinoa, Selphie, and Irvine will go to beat the hell out of him. If you're lucky, we'll bring back something for you."  
"WHAT? I want to go beat him up too!" Zell exclaimed.  
"I'm sorry, but you can't. Here, I have some rubber bands you can play with while you wait."  
"But I don't WANNA! I want to beat this guy up!"   
"Sorry, you'll stay here...alone...with Instructor Trepe...and this bottle of Thousand Island dressing." Squall replied.  
"Oh, all right. But I'm not going to like it," Zell replied.  
The three proceeded to shoo everyone out of the Garden and fly it towards the infidel.  
  
After a long flight, the four finally made it toward the home of the infidel.  
"Who could this person be?" Selphie asked.  
"Probably some mad dictator or monster," Rinoa replied. They were shocked to see an elderly couple answer the door.  
"Leave it to me," Squall replied. "Um, is your son home?"  
"No, he's in Florida. What would you like to leave to tell him?" the older woman asked.  
"Oh, nothing. We'll tell him when we see him," Squall replied. The three went into the Garden.  
"Florida, right?" Rinoa asked.  
"You got it." The four headed down the Atlantic coast until they hit Florida. After checking some things, they placed their target somewhere near Orlando.  
  
"Uddnnuddin?" the writer asked.  
"ARE YOU PAUL (T.) LEVITZ?" Squall asked.  
"Bro, are you playing some sick joke on me?" 'Paul' asked.  
"So you are! Step outside and prepare to fight like a man!" Irvine yelled.  
"Why? I don't have beefs with anyone!" 'Paul' exclaimed.  
"Then why did you try to besmirch our good names?" Selphie asked.  
"What are you talking..." 'Paul' looked through the window at his combatants. "Damn, I've got to go to this place. The weed here is FAN-TASTIC."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Rinoa asked.  
"Well, in this realm you four are part of a game that is just too sweet," Paul replied.  
"Game? Our lives aren't games."   
"Actually, it is. And it rules." Paul turned on the Playstation and showed them.  
"I SO look cuter in real life," Selphie said. "I mean, that hair? PLEASE. Gag me."  
"Then why did you besmirch our name like that?" Squall asked.  
"Oh, you mean that really bad fanfic I did? I didn't like it either. Really fucking lame," Paul said.  
"So you admit you claimed we swapped and did unnatural acts together?" Squall unsheathed his gunblade.  
"I didn't like it either! It was done on very little sleep after a FFVIII marathon. I just woke up when I did it! I WASN'T ON ANYTHING, DAMMIT!" Paul replied.  
"So you did write that me and Irvine...you know?"   
"Um, yeah. But I didn't like it either. Check these reviews," Paul took the four to the page of the story's reviews. "See, even I hated it."   
"Um, why did that one guy say 'I will never worship satin?' Satin is so nice, so soft, so utterly comfortable…" Rinoa asked.  
"Yeah. Satin rocks! Don't knock satin!" Paul replied. Paul then showed them the fanfic.  
"WHAT? You claimed that me and her..." Selphie asked.  
"Well, sure, but I wasn't in my right mind..."  
"So? You claim that I've had relations with other women and then make excuses?" Rinoa asked.  
"Well, but you have, haven't you?" Paul replied.  
"Well, yeah, but dude, show some tact!"  
"And what about ours? Claiming we did stuff? I don't do dick, man!" Irvine said.  
"I know, I've used your character," Paul replied.   
"Well, still, why would you say I liked guys?"   
"Well, you do, right? I mean, it's in your walk..."  
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY WALK?" Irvine shouted as he pulled out his gun.  
"Well, it's a little fruity..." Irvine proceeded to walk across the room. "DID THAT LOOK FRUITY?"  
"Um, no. Oh, look, it's a People magazine. Is this a spread of the fat naked guy from Survivor? Maybe you should check this out," Paul said.  
"Let's just calm down. Check what this whole 'game' we're in is all about..." Squall replied. He proceeded to get a shock when he saw the names. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CHANGE IN MY NAME?" Squall asked.  
"Well, you see, it's sort of..."   
"Sort of you having an ego the size of Deling City?"   
"Well, yeah." Paul replied.  
"He changed my name too? What the hell?" Rinoa asked.  
"Well, you see, it's sort of..." Paul replied.  
"Sort of you having the hots for someone, not having the sack to tell them, and living vicariously through our storyline?"   
"Wow. You hit the nail right on the head."  
"Thanks. It's my specialty."  
  
"So, which movie is on the menu next?" Squall asked.  
"Ooh, they've got Anywhere but Here!" Irvine replied.  
"I DON'T think we'll watch that one, Irvine..." Squall replied.  
"YES WE WILL," Irvine said as he took his gun out.  
"Come on, it's just a movie," Selphie replied.  
"Ah, okay."  
"Ooh, Empire Records!" Rinoa replied. She put it in.   
"Anyone for some drinks? We've got some alcohol, but the person who lives here will kick my ass if I use it. But we've got some Arizonas from my private stash," Paul replied.  
"Sure," the four replied. Paul picked them up, and they all sat and watched a lot of movies.  
The End.  



End file.
